Yesterday we left on our trip.. we only made it as far as my grandma's house in Spring Grove Minnesota... but its a start. I can't believe we're accually doing this.. I mean my parents have been talking about it forever but I thought they were just like dreaming outloud.. I NEVER thought we'd accually be doing this. I mean I have all my friends and School and I've got everything going for me and now we're just up and leaving? I'm not trying to be ungrateful or anything.. I'm just REALLY gonna miss everyone.. Especially Jackie! She's my EVERYTHING! I'm not lessie but I love that gurl! It's not fair! I've got the 2 best friends anyone could ask for (Casandra and Jackie) and I REALLY like this guy and now everything that mattered to me yesterday doesn't matter today... *sigh* I'm about to be forced into complete isolation... I'm actually kinda scared because If I get too lonely I could turn back to my old habbits... and I REALLY don't want to be a cutter anymore! It's too hard to quit... I'm actually proud because I havn't done it in about 6 months which is really a step up because I've been doing it so long It's what I automatically turn to. 7 year addiction. Anyways I just wanted to let you all know that I'm really going to miss you and you HAVE TO email me and keep me in touch with my sanity lol I love you all!! xooxxo

Hey hows it going? My summer's been great so far! I've been super busy thou! I've only been home one night since summer started!! I miss all my friends!! and I miss Dylan so much it hurts!!!(I love you babe!) so I'll be coming home in like a week and starting soccer. If any of my friends have time I'll try to fit you in my summer somewhere so we can hang out. I'm super happy cuz I've been too busy to be depressed! It sux that I used to cut thou, cuz it's really hard to hide during "swim suit season" lol w/e I guess I'll learn from it. SO next year I'm probably not going to northwestern. I'm also allergic to superior HS and Maranotha thou, so right now it looks like I'm going to WITC- the tech. school. so yea. But by september I will be able to drive, and therefor I can still hang out with all the same people and don't have to totally change my life. Well I hope everyone who reads this is having a super great summer and will tell me all about it!
xoxoxoxoox Shay xoxoxoxoxooxo
ps. I LOVE YOU DYLAN!!!!!

I have hope for the future once again! I LOVE DYLAN and I know he'll always be there for me. I was just in the ER again yesterday and the conclusion came to me that I've been taking anti-depressant medicane for allergy reasons (for some reason they help with that) and they have super wierd side effects... maybe that was what's wrong. But once again I'm on so many drugs I can't think strait.lol so we'll see what happens when they all wear off.

xoxoxox Shay xoxoxoxo

Ps. Happy Birthday Jackie!!

I don't even know what to do with myself anymore.. I don't want to die.. yet I don't want to live. I know I'm a worthless human being just sucking up oxygen and I wish I could accually be something.. Even my bf knows it. We've only been going out 2 weeks and he already tried to dump me. He tried to make it look like his fault thou... atleast he cares enough to be nice... what do you do when you completly lose hope? I think my soul is deteriating from lack of self worth.. Am I unconsciously killing myself little by little?.. accually that would be nice... a slow painful death accually sounds like fun to me... I know, I'm a sick bastard and I deserve to die.... or maybe I just need to figure out what I'm ment to be... but I better hurry up cuz I think my time is running out.......

Thanks Jackie and Dylan.. You saved me... I'm stopping.. for good this time..I won't promise, cuz I don't know what the future holds, but I'll try my best. I love you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!